A New Year

January 1, 2008

The calendar is about to tick over. I spend this New Year’s Eve like the last– and the one before that– alone with my thoughts, some music, and a drink (flowering oolong tea). At the best of times I’m not good company during this time of year, when introspection inevitably leads to introspection… and spurred on by a hospital visit on Christmas Eve, I hope the friends I’ve essentially blown off for the last few weeks aren’t too offended that I’ve gone to ground. And I still haven’t sent out Christmas gifts!

Given that I have reason to be thankful for simply remaining physically incarnate for these occasions, I won’t spend too much time complaining. I’m thankful for many of the usual things: there’s hope for reconciling writing with the rest of my life and many opportunities for interesting work, I have family and friends that I look forward to spending more time with, and there is always more to read, listen to, watch, and admire.

I made a few resolutions (yeah, I do that), none of which are earth-shattering and almost all of which are online for those who know how to find them. I miss how it used to feel possible– and not just on New Year’s Eve– to really start over in significant ways. Losing that ability is one of the worst things about being an adult (as Ben Folds sings it, “everybody knows it sucks to grow up, but everybody does”). But, despite the litany of things I could recite to show how much starting over is need, I have to count myself fortunate at what I do have.

And maybe this year (it is now officially 2008) a few of the irresolvable problems (such as: how do I reconcile myself with the– as of late very clearly demonstrated and brutal– reality that I will never be able to be close to the one person I most desire and with whom I have an almost unearthly rapport) will sort themselves out or a few of the unknowables (for instance: is there something out there, anything, larger than myself that can provide a context to make my life meaningful) make themselves known. There’s only one way to find out…

Tags: life, Psyche